Underworld Outtakes
by NightSlash
Summary: The title says it all. Rated PG-13 for language and other things. More to come.
1. Outtakes

I don't own Underworld or any of its characters, or anything else in this unless I say otherwise. These are outtakes from the Underworld movie. By the way, these aren't in any particular order, because I will most likely update this

***

Lucian chases after the car that Selene is driving, and with his lycan speed he's catching up pretty quickly. 

Selene: Wait, what am I doing?

She slams on the brakes. Lucian isn't able to stop in time and…

*SMASH*

A second later, Lucian backs up, and the back of the car is dented pretty badly. 

Lucian: I'm okay, I'm okay. *he falls over* I mean, I'll be okay, I guess.

Selene pokes her head out of the car and grins sheepishly as a few people run over and carry Lucian off camera.

***

Michael is trying to break the handcuff that's holding him to the chair. Finally, he notices his gun, and shoots the handcuff chain. The bullet bounces off the gun, and bounces off the wall behind Michael. Michael tries to follow the bullet as it bounces all over the room, before it comes out of nowhere and smacks him in the eye.

Director Len Wiseman: CUT! Who put a rubber bullet in the gun!?

Camera goes off screen to where Kraven is trying not to burst out laughing. Selene notices this, and walks over and knees him in the groin.

Kraven: *groans as he falls to the floor* It was worth it.

***

The flashback scene. Lucian is chained to the floor as the sunlight comes into the room and starts to 'burn' Sonja. He tugs at the chains, and they suddenly break. Lucian looks at them for a moment, and then at Len Wiseman, who shrugs, and over to Sonja.

Lucian: Oh, right. 

He runs over and gets Sonja loose, who by this point is laughing her ass off.

***

The subway shootout. Bullets are flying everywhere, and then Rigel gets shot. He falls to the floor and starts convulsing as the UV ammunition starts burning him…

…and then he farts. And the effects suddenly wear off.

Everyone On-Set and Off-Set: O_O

***

Kraven shoots Lucian in the back, and nothing happens. He shoots him again and again, and nothing happens.

Lucian looks down at the liquid pouring out of the wounds on his body. He puts his finger in it and then tastes it.

Lucian: Hmmm, minty.

Kraven takes out a box from his coat, and looks at the front of it. The box reads: **_Listerine Ammunition: _**Gun not included. Lucian walks up to Kraven and bitchslaps him.

Kraven: Wait! Where the fuck did…?

Camera goes off screen to where Erika is holding her hands behind her back and whistling.  

***

Viktor stabs down into Raze's body (which has been replaced by a dummy). He closes his eyes and exhales deeply. 

Lucian O.S.: Watch it Viktor, you might have an orgasm.

Viktor: O_O

Everyone else bursts out laughing as Viktor tries to pull out his sword so he can go after Lucian, but his sword is stuck. So, he picks up the sword AND the lycan dummy and starts swinging it at Lucian, giving it the impression of a giant hammer from a Tom and Jerry cartoon. Everyone is rolling around on the floor by this point.

***

Off Screen, Raze and Kraven are sitting and playing cards. Len Wiseman walks off screen. He looks pretty messed up, with a few broken bones.

Raze: What happened to him?

Kraven: Oh, Sonja asked Len if she could be given more screentime, but he said they didn't have enough time for more shooting.

Raze: Of course, probably because of where you were going all "vamp erotica 5" on Erika.

Kraven: ^_^

Raze rolls his eyes and smacks Kraven upside the head.

Kraven: So anyway, Sonja told Lucian that Len yelled at her and then smacked her.

Raze: Oh boy.

Kraven: Lucian didn't like that.

Raze: *looks towards where Len left* He actually got off light. 

Kraven: Yeah. *looks at cards* YES! *throws down cards* Full house, aces over kings; I win!

Raze turns into his werewolf form and bitchslaps Kraven and walks away.

***

Selene leaps up and slices the top half of Viktor's head off. As he falls to the floor, Selene looks over and Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees are standing there. Freddy holds up a card saying 8 and Jason holds up one saying 6. Selene frowns and then shoots Jason in the head before aiming the gun at Kruger, who quickly changes his to a 10. Selene gives Kruger a sweet smile and then walks away.

***

Ok, that's all I could think of at the moment, but when I get some more ideas, I'll update.


	2. Wackiness Offset

Ok, now this part is different from the last part. Instead of outtakes during the making of the movie, this chapter is going to be little wacky things that happen when the cameras turn off. It's also going to be rather weird in some parts, just letting you know now.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Selene, Michael, Lucian, Sonja, Marcus (Stephen Billington version from Jess's Hybrid War), Kraven, Kahn, Soren, and everyone else from the Underworld move in this do not belong to me.

Ok, here is the next part.

***

Kraven, Soren, and Kahn are sitting at a table, glancing over at Sonja. They're whispering at each other. Finally, Soren's face lights up, as if he's just gotten an idea. Standing up he walks over to Sonja, who's casually leaning in the corner. He walks up to her and whispers something in her ear. She turns and looks at him disbelievingly, but he just nods with a very serious expression on his face. Sonja, suddenly looking very pissed, turns and walks away in the opposite direction. Soren grins and motions over to Kraven and Kahn, who quickly get up.

Kahn: So what now?

Kraven: Just stand back and watch the fireworks.

A minute or so later…

Lucian and Michael watch with confused expressions as Sonja and Selene beat the crap out of each other.

Michael: And what did Sonja say again?

Lucian: She said Selene had been hitting on me earlier.

Michael: O_O

Lucian: (looks at him like he's an idiot) Do you really think she would do that?

Michael: Good point. So, should we try and stop them?

Lucian looks at Michael with a "are you kidding me!?" look.

Michael: Never mind.

Kraven, Kahn, and Soren come in and sit down.

Kahn: What's going on?

Lucian: Selene and Sonja are fighting.

Kraven: Cool.

Soren just grins. There's a pause.

Kraven: I bet you fifty dollars Sonja loses her top first.

Lucian punches Kraven really hard. After a moment Kraven gets back up. He runs off and comes back a few minutes later with a table and two boxes.

Kraven: OK EVERYONE! STEP RIGHT UP AND WATCH THE CAT FIGHT! BETS ARE ON RIGHT NOW TO SEE WHICH GIRL WILL LOSE THEIR TOP FIRST!! COME ONE!!

Instantly Raze, Pierce, Taylor, and pretty much everyone else from Underworld except for Viktor come up and start throwing lots of money down on either side. Lucian glares, walks over and punches Kraven again, harder than before.

Kraven: It's a joke Lucian! Besides, I doubt that either one is going to...

We suddenly hear a ripping sound, and a shirt flies through the air and lands on Kraven's head.

Everyone: O_O

Kraven:...ok, Sonja wins.

Lucian punches Kraven out, knocking him back fifty feet. He glares at everyone else, who start fighting over their money and stampede for the closest exit. Lucian mutters something under his breath before taking off his coat, walking over to Sonja, and slinging her over his shoulder before carrying her out of the room.

Soon, only Michael and Selene are left. Michael walks over to Selene, who is a little roughed up; she looks up at him with a suddenly aroused look.

Michael:...well maybe we should...

Selene suddenly pounces on Michael and starts ravaging him 

Meanwhile Marcus and Erika are watching this on a security camera. Erika's sitting in Marcus' lap, and he's stroking her hair.

Erika: We're surrounded by psychos.

Marcus: Yep.

Suddenly Soren pokes his head into the security room.

Soren: I told you I could get those two to fight. Now give me my damn money! 

Marcus grumbles under his breath and hands Soren twenty dollars, who grins a shit-eating grin and runs out. Erika looks at Marcus disbelievingly.

Erika: You and Soren were betting on that fight!?

Marcus innocently shrugs. 

***

Kraven and Soren are sitting at a table, playing poker.

  
Kraven: Ok, this idea is foolproof. 

Soren: I'm sure it is. So, how did you get Lucian to help us anyway?

Kraven: *BIG GRIN*

*que flashback*

Kraven and Lucian are sitting at a table. Lucian has just listened to Kraven's proposal. He punches Kraven in the face and starts to leave. Kraven quickly runs in front of him and pulls out a tape. Lucian looks at him curiously. 

Lucian: What's that?

Kraven grins and walks back to the room with the table, where there is also a TV and vcr. He puts the tape in and presses play. 

We can't see what's on the TV, but we do see the reactions of Lucian and Kraven, as well as loud moaning noises.

Lucian: ...that's...?

Kraven: *big grin*: Yep, that's you and Sonja. I never would have thought you as an elevator person though. And that's just a copy, one copy of about fifty, which I can sell for $5.99 a piece. So, do you still think it's a stupid idea?

*end flashback*

Kraven is still grinning, and then he stops.

Kraven: Oh, um, I just asked.

***

Kraven and Lucian are sitting at a table looking at a paper.

Kraven: Ok, do you know what you have to do?

Lucian: Yes, and also this plan is incredibly stupid. If you want money that badly, just rob a bank. Dumb Prick

Kraven: HEY! Who has a video of whom in an elevator!?

He picks up the copy of the video and shakes it around, as if it's a dog bone. Lucian growls.

Kraven: That's better dog.

He walks out of the room.

***

Lucian sees Marcus and mumbling something under his breath, walks over to him.

Lucian: Marcus, there's something you need to know. *mumbles under his breath again* You see Viktor…he, well he came onto Erika.

There's a pause.

Marcus: Did Kraven tell you to say that?

Lucian nods. Marcus walks off.

***

Marcus walks into the room with Kraven once he finds him. He walks in and, grabbing his head smashes him into the closest wall before bitchslapping him. Marcus spits on him and walks out. Kraven moans in pain as he stands up. Then, his cellphone rings. 

Kraven *answers cell phone*: Hello.

Cut to a security room. A security guard looks pretty worried.

Guard: Hi. Kraven, ummmm, we have a problem.

Kraven: What?

Guard: Well, you know how I sent you the security footage through the internet?

Kraven: Yeah.

Guard: Well, I addressed the email wrong.

Kraven: What do you mean!?

Guard: Well, I think it went out to every mailbox in the city.

Kraven suddenly goes very pale. 

Kraven: This isn't funny. 

Guard: Well, have someone get on the web.

Kraven: Ok. *looks over to Michael*

A while later, Michael, Selene, and Kraven are in the same room. Michael clicks on something on the computer. A second later, we hear moaning sounds.

Everyone in the room: O_O

They quickly get rid of it. There's a pause.

Michael: …well, it was nice knowing you Kraven.

He and Selene walk out of the room. Kraven looks rather ill. Lucian walks into the room.

Lucian: Well, the plan didn't work. Now, I need your word that you will get rid of those tapes.

Kraven:…

Lucian notices the fact that Kraven looks about ready to piss himself.

Lucian: What?

Kraven: I…um…well…the thing is…umm…you see…I…eep.

Suddenly, Lucian's cellphone rings. He answers it.

Lucian: Hello. *pause* O_O *another pause, his face darkens and he looks at Kraven, who is slowly backing up* I see. Ok, bye.

Kraven: Please don't kill me.

Lucian: *laughs* Kill you, why would I do that, besides the fact that half the city is now watching me and Sonja in an elevator?

Kraven:…ummm.

Ten minutes later. Lucian walks out of the room; he still looks VERY pissed off. Sonja walks up to him.

Sonja: What is it? *Lucian whispers in her ear, and her face suddenly darkens* Where is he!?

The door that Lucian just walked out of opens and an unrecognizable mass of flesh, covered in blood with bones sticking out practically everywhere slowly crawls out by one of its fingers. Lucian points to the mass of flesh.

Kraven *barely recognizable*: I'm sorry.

Sonja walks up and kicks him in the head and walks away. Lucian follows.

Soren and Michael walk up to Kraven's body.

Soren: Damn. I guess they know about the video.

Michael: You saw it too!?

Soren: Yep. And I must say Sonja's got a pretty fine body. Seriously, I would do some…and judging from the look on your face, Lucian is standing right behind me.

He turns around and Lucian grabs him and drags him screaming into the same room that Kraven was in. More brutal beating noises follow.

A few minutes later he walks out, flinging Soren's broken body next to Kraven's. He walks away.

Meanwhile, Marcus and Erika are sitting in front of the computer, looking at something (A.N.: Guess what?). The tape ends. There's a pause.

Marcus: We should try that.

Erika nods. They both hear a growl and turn around and see Viktor standing there.

Both Erika and Marcus: O_O

Viktor quickly storms out. For a moment neither Marcus nor Erika do anything.

Marcus: …so you wanna go watch?

Erika shrugs. The two walk out.

Ok, next chapter, Lucian and Viktor kick each other's asses, plus some more outtakes.


	3. More Outtakes

Ok, this story is going to switch every other chapter. This chapter is going to be outtakes, and the next chapter is going to be more offscreen stuff. Also, a few of these outtake scenes are based on scenes from the novelization of the movie.

***

Lucian runs after the car before jumping on top of it. He flexes his arm…and the blade doesn't come out. He looks at his arm, then raises it again and shakes it. Suddenly his blade shoots out like an arrow. It flies offscreen. Cut to static.

A little later a new camera gets wheeled in, while the old one, which is now sliced in half, gets taken out. Lucian puts his blade back in the coat sleeve. He grins at the new camera.

* * *

Kraven shoots Lucian with the silver nitrate bullets after getting stabbed in the leg. Lucian pretends to be dead. Suddenly, Kraven hears a noise and looks up. He instantly pales and looks like he's about to piss himself.

Above in the rafters are a bunch of teen girls perched like vultures of some sort; these are rabid fan girls.

Rabid Fan Girl: Mine.

*this entire bit they're whispering while moving as slowly as possible without making sudden movements*

Kraven: Oh shit. Lucian.

Lucian opens his eyes, and then looks up and sees what Kraven sees.

Lucian: Oh shit.

Kraven: Okay, let's just not make any sudden movements. Just move slowly towards the exit.

Lucian: That's not going to work.

Kraven: I know it's not going to work for you; they're going to gang-rape you. It'll work for me though.

Lucian: Hey! You shot me, though.

Kraven: Oh, you're right. Ok, just slowly get up, and we'll slowly…

Suddenly, Soren walks in.

Soren: HEY GUY! GUESS WHAT I-

The rabid fan girls lunge. Static fills the screen.

Later, Lucian, Kraven, and Soren are lucky to be alive. Their clothes are ripped, Kraven and Soren are bleeding in a dozen spots and Lucian…well, it's like what Kraven said would happen, and he's shaking. Sonja's there, trying to make him feel better, but it's not working. 

Kraven: Soren, you idiot. What was so important that you had to walk in at that exact moment?

Soren holds up something.

Soren: I found a dollar.

Suddenly, Lucian snaps out of his traumatized state. He and Kraven look at each other, and then tackle Soren and start beating the crap out of him.

* * * 

Viktor walks over and grabs the pendant around Lucian's neck. He pulls, and jerks up Lucian, who suddenly starts choking. After a moment Viktor lets go and Lucian falls down.

Len Wiseman: CUT! Viktor, he was choking for a good ten seconds!

Viktor: I know. 

Everyone: *rolls eyes*

Lucian stands up and takes off the pendant. He looks at the back of it before sniffing it.

Lucian: This smells like glue.

He looks offscreen where Kraven is tossing a bottle of superglue into the air. Kraven sees Lucian, and tosses the glue out the window before running away.

* * *

Viktor walks over and yanks the pendant from Lucian's neck. This time it actually comes off.

Viktor: I loved my daughter.

Suddenly, Kraven pokes his head onscreen.

Kraven: Yep. You all heard that right. *wink wink*

Lucian's eyes snap open and he and Viktor stare at Kraven disbelievingly. 

Viktor: I'm going to kill that…

Lucian: No, _I _get to kill him!

Viktor: HELL NO!

The two start beating the crap out of each other. Kraven sneaks away during the brawl.

Lucian and Viktor: FINE! WE'LL _BOTH _KILL HIM! (They turn and see he's gone) **SHIT!**

They hear a loud thumping noise and go in its direction. Kraven's lying on the floor, is head split open. Sonja's standing over him, holding a lead pipe. She gives a sheepish smile when they look at the body before glancing at her. Lucian grins back.

* * *

Viktor and Michael, who's in hybrid form, are practicing their fight scene in the large chamber. Viktor knocks Michael into a pillar, Michael then leaps to his feet. But instead of attacking, he suddenly goes into a pose.

Viktor: What are you doing?

Michael: (Starts talking like a badly dubbed kungfu movie character): You're vampire geezer powers are NO match for my invincible kungfu! (Yells Bruce Lee type yell)

Everyone bursts out laughing, except for Viktor who just looks at Michael like he's gone insane, as the hybrid continues to switch from one pose to the next. A good portion of the cast is rolling around on the floor laughing so hard. Len reaches into his coat and pulls out a flask of vodka and opens it. He finds it to be empty, and throws it away with a yell.

* * *

Kraven and Erika are in the middle of their dirty little scene together. Suddenly the phone rings, and Kraven walks over and picks it up. Erika's trying (Not: and I make HEAVY use of the word trying) to look disappointed. 

Kraven: What!? Ummm, yeah; I'm kind of busy at the moment…I've got a naked girl in here…YES IT'S A REAL ONE, YOU FUCK!

Soren pokes his head on from offscreen with the phone and Erika at this point tries to cover herself up. Kraven throws his phone at Soren.

Soren: I was just checking.

Marcus shows up at this point and grabs Erika, slinging her over his shoulder and walking offstage. Kraven just continues to yell at Soren. 

* * *

The flashback scene. Lucian and Sonja are in her room kissing. Suddenly Viktor bursts into the room, looking pretty pissed off. 

Lucian: Didn't you see the sign!?

Viktor (holding up said sign): You mean THIS?

The sign reads: Lucian is not in here. From: Lord Oliver.

Lucian shrugs while Sonja giggles. Viktor walks out of the room after cursing in another language. Offset, Len drinks from his flask.

* * *

Soren is whipping at a dummy that looks like a transformed lycan. The dummy is pushed foreword.

Soren: ARGH! There's no stopping it!

Suddenly, Erika walks in from offstage and flicks the dummy with her finger. It falls over. Soren looks at her incredulously. Erika rolls her eyes and scoffs.

Erika: Men.

* * *

Viktor is about to kill Singe in the elder's resting place. Singe has been replaced by a dummy that resembles him. Viktor punches the dummy in the head, which is supposed to cave inward slightly, with blood coming out before the body falls to the floor. But nothing happens. 

  
Viktor looks at Len, who shrugs, before punching it again. This time the head EXPLODES. Fake blood goes everywhere, including all over Selene and Viktor. Viktor just looks annoyed, while Selene looks like she's about to freak out, which is rather surprising for her.

Viktor: Gee, I wonder how the head could have gotten messed up.

Everyone glares at Kraven.

Kraven: It wasn't me!

Viktor: Who else could it be?

Singe, who is leaning against one of the walls, is wearing a hidden smirk.

* * *

Raze, in the subway station, suddenly stops and sniffs the air. He turns around and sees the death dealers.

Raze: BLOODS!!

Suddenly, a few of the extras stand up.

Extras: Ah, HELL NO!

They whip out guns and start shooting up the place while everyone else ducks and covers.

Rigel: Raze, you stupid bastard!

Raze: What'd I do!?

Rigel: NEVER SAY 'BLOODS' AROUND CRIPS!!

Raze: HOW THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!? I DIDN'T CAST ANY OF THEM!!

Rigel: ...good point.

More to come.


	4. Even More Outtakes

Okay, more outtakes.

* * * 

Michael: I want to go with you.

Selene walks over and gently kisses him, distracting him so she can handcuff him to the chair. Afterwards she starts to move away.

Then her arm jerks back. Looking back she sees that HER arm is handcuffed to the same chair by another set of handcuffs. Michael grins.

Michael: Looks like your stuck here also.

Selene: Well in that case...

She jumps on him and pretends to ravage him, while Len groans before reaching to his flask.

* * * 

Viktor uppercuts Michael, knocking him into the air and ending the fight. Viktor looks on, extremely satisfied.

Lucian (O.S.): NOW!!

Suddenly a huge amount of green slime falls from the ceiling, covering Viktor in it. This is instantly followed by pillow feathers, and water balloons. Finally, Soren and Kraven run over and pelt him with silly string. 

Viktor: ...(looks at himself)...could someone get me a towel?

Sonja walks in offset and throws a huge bucket of water on him. She walks off grinning. 

* * *

Viktor picks up Michael and is about to throw him through the wall.

Len: CUT!

People bring in Kraven, who's struggling greatly, and wearing Michael's clothing. He is Michael's stunt double.

They replace Michael with Kraven and walk offset.

Len: Okay, ACTION!

Viktor throws Kraven through the concrete wall. He hits the opposite end.

Kraven: ...I hate you people.

* * *

Flashback scene. Viktor leaves the dungeon as the sunlight roof starts to open. Lucian's thrashing in his chains.

Lucian: WAIT!! ...if you kill her Viktor, I'll...I'll...tie you up and force you to listen to Barbara Streisand.

Everyone (except for Viktor): Oooooooh!

Viktor runs back in.

Viktor: GAH!! OKAY! OKAY! HERE! 

He runs over and cuts Sonja free, who's laughing hysterically at this point, as she walks over and hugs Lucian.

* * * 

Offset. A van shows up and takes away the director, Len Wiseman, as he babbles in a straightjacket. Meanwhile...

Kraven: So who's going to be director?

Marcus: Erika already called it.

Kraven: I thought you wanted to be director.

Marcus: I did...but she...

Kraven: What?

Marcus: ...she gave me the puppy-dog look. 

Kraven: ...you are COMPLETELY pussy whipped. 

Marcus changes into hybrid form, bitchslapping Kraven, before walking offset. 

* * *

The whip fight...only Soren's not there.

Erika: Where's Soren?

Kraven walks in from offset.

Kraven: He's not going to be walking for a while.

Erika: Why?

Soren: ...he accidentally walked in on Lucian and Sonja...and Sonja was naked.

Erika: ...ouch.

Kraven: Yep. (pulls out whips) So I'll be playing Soren's part, since I will probably be forced to either way.

Everyone nods in agreement.

* * *

Lucian breaks up the fight between Pierce and Taylor. He walks up, and suddenly the gun barrell smacks into the back of a lycan's head, knocking him out. 

Lucian: ...woops.

* * *

Half regenerated Viktor sits down in his throne.

Viktor: Do you know why I've been summoned here?

Kraven: ...

Viktor: What?

Kraven: What the hell is wrong with your voice!? You sound like a damn redneck!

Viktor: WHAT!? 

Viktor tries to go after Kraven, but he trips and falls down the stairs. Everyone starts laughing their asses off.

* * *

The train scene. Amelia is on the ground, covered in blood. Raze approaches, pulling out a syringe.

Voice (O.S.): STOP!!

Suddenly someone burst through one of the windows. He runs up to Amelia, scooping her up. He stands and looks at the others.

Person: (hissing) MURDERERS!

He runs away with Amelia.

Everyone: ...who was that?

Lucian: ...Azrael.

(Author's Note: Azrael is an original lycan character (who's also a villain) from my story Darkest Before the Dawn. And a while back I came up with this humor fic idea, and one of the things is that he and Amelia are a thing. Don't ask.)

Everyone: Ooh.

* * *

Viktor walks in the dungeon after Sonja's been killed. Lucian's on the floor crying. Viktor walks up to the statue/corpse of Sonja and grabs the pendant. It comes off, along with the head, which falls to the floor and breaks open. 

Lucian and Viktor: What the...!?

Viktor kneels down and put his finger in the broken head. He brings it up to his nose, sniffing it before licking his finger.

Viktor: ...huh. Chocolate.

Lucian: O_O

More to come.


End file.
